02/20/2020

Have you ever imagined yourself losing the love of your life forever? I can never really grasp how painful that must feel because I can't see myself living through the pain.

Once in a while, YouTube suggests sad videos like "my love in Heaven" by Janica Nam. I always burst into tears whenever I re-watch that video because I feel her pain and grief and it almost always sends me into a panic attack. In tears, unable to move for hours on end. I just can't imagine living without the love of my life.

It sounds crazy right? I've lived without him for the past 20 years of my life. I've been fine without him. But why the anxiety? Why the fear? It just seems so irrational to think so far ahead in the future. What if he dies before me?

Last night, that same video popped up on my feed prompting me to click it once again, sending me into my spiral of negativity. I called him on the phone in tears and kept saying "promise me you won't die before me". His reply was all but natural, "I can't promise you that".

How do you deal with that level of grief? I can only hope that I will never know.